


Acceptance

by Leya



Category: Gravitation
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 02:37:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/657131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leya/pseuds/Leya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never thought that time would be an issue because there always seemed to be enough of it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Time

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd.

„I'm sorry, Seguchi-san.“

_'I know you are. You're eventually losing a rather wealthy client.'_

„There is nothing I can do.“

_'Of course not. You're just as useless as everyone else.'_

„But we get new results of research every day. Just don't lose your hope.“

_'I don't want to hear those lies right now.'_ Tohma couldn't bring himself to turn around. Instead he was staring out of the window and tried to wrap his mind around the fact that for the first time in his life he finally faced an enemy he wouldn't be able to outwit.

It was hard to admit defeat.

Outside the window snow started falling again, thick white flakes raining down, their sole purpose consisting in suffocating the life that got trapped beneath them...

„Seguchi-san, I...“

To his own horror he almost lost his composure at this point by snarling at the middle-aged man who just tried to do his job but the voice of the doctor was grating on his nerves and so Tohma decided to end this farce as quickly as possible.

„How long do I have?“

He startled the man in front of his desk that much he could tell but Tohma didn't care. Not once in his life he allowed anyone to see what was going on inside of him and there was no way in hell he would break this habit now. 

„How long?“

His feelings were once more covered by the illusion of the perfect and untouchable businessman and for a short moment Tohma allowed himself to pride himself over the fact that he was able to keep everything together – even when his whole life was shattered in pieces.

A soft sigh escaped the doctor's lips, the man obviously unused to a patient who just refused to break down. „Two months. Give or take a week or two.“

Never before it hurt so much to keep all of his masks securely in place but Tohma managed. Even if barely.

The doctor took a step towards the desk and Tohma realised that he must have unintentionally allowed some of his pain to be reflected on his face and so he quickly held up his hand to stop the man from approaching him.

„Thank you for telling me. Please leave me alone now. My secretary will give you your check on the way out.“

He could see the hesitation in the man's eyes but then the doctor just sighed again, nodded his farewell and left.

The door closed with a soft thud. Tohma returned his gaze to the papers containing the results of his last checkup and suddenly everything came crashing down on him and with a choked cry he fell forward, head buried in his arms and finally allowing desperation to take over.


	2. Letdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tohma has to discuss something important with Eiri but the writer just rejects him. He has to meet a deadline after all...

„What do you want?!“

Taken aback by the harsh words his brother-in-law greeted him with Tohma almost reconsidered his decision to visit the novelist just to confide in him.

Why couldn't Eiri just pretend to be glad about his visit? Just once Tohma wanted to see a welcoming smile on the author's face instead of being greeted by this devastating mixture between annoyance and disgust.

„Can I come in? There is something I have to tell you.“

After telling Mika the day before yesterday Tohma had believed that from now on everything would get easier but facing Eiri was thousand times worse than he imagined it to be.

The writer scowled but stepped aside, letting his brother-in-law enter the apartment. „Try to make it short. There's a deadline I have to meet.“

„Of course, Eiri-san.“ Tohma faked his usual smile and almost instantly found himself at a loss for words. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted Eiri to know but now the moment finally had arrived and none of the words he so carefully prepared on his way over here would come.

„Well? Are you starting to talk anytime soon or do you need a written invitation?“

„I...“ Tohma just couldn't do it. His heart was pounding in his chest and suddenly he knew that he wouldn't be able to tell Eiri what was about to happen to him. Never before had talking to someone been this difficult.

Until now.

Tohma pulled his lower lip between his teeth, desperately trying to find a solution for his problem.

„Come on, Seguchi. I haven't got all day!“

_'And I haven't got enough time to waste it by getting hurt by your indifference!'_ Tohma wanted to yell but instead he took out the papers the doctor had given to him and held them out towards Eiri.

„I have something you should read.“

The writer eyed the small envelope suspiciously. „What's this?“

„Please, just read it. It's hard to tell and I prefer you read it for yourself and then we... we can talk about it.“

„Oh, please! You are not serious, are you?“ Whatever Eiri thought about the papers he obviously got it completely wrong. „I have absolutely no time for this shit!“

„What do you mean?“ Tohma did his best to follow Eiri's train of thought but had to admit the novelist had lost him somewhere. „It's just something to read.“

„Of course!“ Eiri's voice suddenly turned cold. „Just something to read.“

He started pacing the room in restless strides. Tohma watched him incredulously, not sure what to make of this odd behaviour.

„Please... just read it. That's all I ask from you.“

„I said no!“ Eiri stopped long enough to slap the papers out of Tohma's hand, watching them rain down on his carpet in a unsorted mess, before he continued his verbal attack. „You can't just waltz into my life and expect me to read the crap one of your friends has written! Do you really think I've time for something stupid like this?“

„That's not...“

„And to top it all you just expect me to follow your orders like a little boy. You give me the papers and I read it. You won't even ask if I mind when you bring them over, no you just assume it's okay to do so!“

„Eiri, please. You're wrong. It's about...“

„I don't care, Seguchi! I'm already more than three months behind my schedule because of that stupid pink nuisance that can't keep his mouth shut even if his life depended on it and now you are doing exactly the same!“ Eiri viciously kicked against the small table in front of his couch, sending it skittering over the floor. „You know what? Come back when I've finished my novel and maybe I'm going to read this crap. And now get out, I really have some work to do.“

In the deafening silence that followed his outburst Tohma swallowed the bile he suddenly could taste in his mouth and tried to maintain his composure even if it killed him.

And wasn't this incredibly convenient?

„I'm sorry, Eiri. I shouldn't have come but I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me.“

„Yeah, I know. Now excuse me. You'll find the way out, I'm sure.“ Eiri waved him away and just then remembered the mess on the floor. „You forgot your papers!“

But Tohma was already gone.


	3. Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiri says a last goodbye to Tohma... The songtext at the beginning is taken from 'A kiss is a terrible thing to waste' by Meat Loaf. 
> 
> This one's for ederyn, who wanted to read about Eiri and his reaction when he finally realised what he did.

**So many things in your life that you're bound to regret  
** Why didn't I do that? Why didn't I do this?  
So many chances you lost that'll you'll never forget  
Why didn't I make it? Why didn't I take it right there?  
The loneliest words you'll ever know.  
If only, if only it was so... 

 

Every time he closed his eyes the words of the song were going around and around in his head, tormenting him with their hopelessness, charging him with guilt and the knowledge of his failure. 

Why had he been so incredibly egoistic? 

_'Come on, Seguchi. I haven't got all day!'_

He just should have listened. But instead he self-righteously took out the frustration about his missed deadline on the first person that came along. 

_'I have absolutely no time for this shit!'_

How could he have been so cruel? Tohma's whole world had been shattered into pieces, leaving him desperately searching for someone to comfort him in his fears... 

And of course Eiri had to react as insensitive as always, driving his brother-in-law away with unnecessary cruelty. 

_'You know what? Come back when I've finished my novel and maybe I'm going to read this crap. And now get out, I really have some work to do.'_

Why did he say that? Would it have been so bad to keep his mouth shut just this once? But he couldn't and now Tohma was gone, depriving Eiri of the chance to say a last goodbye. 

Smiling sadly Eiri let his fingertips gently trail over the headstone in front of him. 

Why didn't he tell Tohma how much he meant to him? Why did he wait until it was too late? After losing Kitazawa he thought that he learned his lesson but he made the same mistakes over and over again. 

**The loneliest words you'll ever know...**

Since Tohma died the burning pain in his heart kept him from ever being whole again. 

And there he thought losing Kitazawa had been painful. Compared to the void Tohma's loss ripped into his soul it was nothing. 

Maybe it was time to face the truth. With killing Kitazawa he lost every right to find a little happiness. 

**If only, if only it was so...**

And now he had lost the only man who ever truly loved him. 

**If only, if only...**

Just like he always knew he would. 

 

   
END


End file.
